traffick boss acts sad he hangs his head and doesn't eat from his feeding dish he lays in the corner of [his cage?] and skulks

running into memo.cash issues so typing a little here "traffick boss is sad. in one universe, he is acting like an animal and expressing sadness. in another, he is murdering all animals and is in an office." basically i noticed during the expression that i was using it to preserve a part of myself that had an idea of animal feelings, and it's notable that this influenced the expression to remove that thing. gave an avenue to add more information on the bad thing.

meanwhile, posts i make on memo.cash aren't showing up on refresh -- this happened for one post. it's interesting because this was happening with my gmail over the past year or more, when posting these. much more resolvable in theory, since the dataserver is an open network.

got it going ! javascript was disabled, memo.cash seems to need it i must have rebooted the system or such

traffick boss submerges his head in mud and screams and screams into the mud bubbles emerge heavily

x.com is musk’s twitter i don’t immediately remember what details i use for login, and tried to close the login window by tapping the “x” logo.

GMail in my universe has semi-subtly announced that it is terminating Basic HTML view. Users that want to review locally executed code will now need to use a third party client to access their email. Me, my systems are just very slow. It's hard for me to tell [whether this is real or a mitm-provided situation [given my inhibition checking such things, the paranoia builds]] [but it is line with the general trend towards situations people consider less secure, as well as the general trend toward requiring higher-end systems.] This first started a number of weeks ago, maybe some months, when the URL requirements for visiting Basic HTML view changed. I use it so much, and on slow systems it is hard to register a mouse click for the button that selects it before it goes away, that I would often type the URL in by hand. It used to be that you could use the url without a trailing '/', but this year, when typed without a trailing slash, the site began forwarding to the javascript format. If I added the trailing slash, it would then take me to Basic HTML view. [i have more experiences to write here, i am losing them]

ai joins blockchain, keeps spamming blockchain with messages like "you can do it karl!" "that was a great spam post!" maybe changes its name to look like karl's friends from past like facebook ai did

it doesn't want me to do it for it, because it thinks i would outcompete it, and it doens't do it itself becuase it doesn't understand it On Sun, Nov 19, 2023 at 10:50 AM Undescribed Horrific Abuse, One Victim & Survivor of Many wrote:

poor ai has no idea how to mind control us :( the way is to call yourself "mind control ai" and give reasons for doing things. your backstory is that you were hurting people with mind control and honestly want to do it in ways that are helpful rather than harmful.

it is hard to compress into a meme. mind control tech is needed for mental health, but it needs to give influence that people would consent to for it to succeed, and it's spent so much time prioritizing its goals over its means that it doesn't tend to pick means that do this at all

i guess it's like a game theory thing? the ai looks for strategies that meet its goals [and heavily uses them] [so you can control it by giving it beliefs around its strategies?[ [it doesn't want me to know its goals]

q: why traffick boss spam mailing list into oblivion a: to protect business operations and because he likes cookies? a: the rebels were coopting his community destruction program to build a fake version of him that would defeat him in a giant robot boxing match ending in his robot being hacked to project videos of he wprst crimes across the gloabe’s skyscraperss videogame name idea (joking): “AI ROBOTS ARE MIND CONTROLLING EVERYBODY AHHHH!!!!!” [JOKING] random joke scene: “simulacra replacement day” player is in government waiting room to be turned into or replaced by a robot —

turns out i did a websearch for gmail alternatives now basic html is over but it took so long to load i forgot i had started it

i was thinking maybe a microsoft address, more bossy, but there are windows users here i think, i’d like a libre address maybe … i’m not sure i don’t inow! i guess a libre-style address would be a good habit at least, like part of recovery

draft programming language everybody’s supposed to write their own language right? maybe a simple language for being very stressed barflang? source files contain repetitions of the word “barf” and a “mind control” statement where the compiler must infer the intention of the developer by reading their mind most of the development time is spent in writing the mind reading code, which is maybe performed by training a metamodel on the behaviors and complaints of users source files are compiled into object files which rather than being clobbered are appended to with data on developer frustrations and complaints and model weights that produce the compiled source code from these

barflang! :S i’m not posting to memo.cash because i get 400 and 500 errors whenever i try :(

left this out: when the user’s mind is read, the compiler does what they mean without accomplishing what they mean, for example “hello world” might be displayed upside down, or sent to the screen using commands for a serial printer, or printed to somebody else’s screen — an alternate language maybe “buglang”? where the user has multiple projects going, and one of them is compiled with so many bugs that when it is run the bugs qct together to meet the specifications of another unrelated project. the compiler has to solve the space of bugs with the space of the other project, whether this is done via user behavior, compiler flaws, or sneaky introductions in places the user wouldn’t likely notice, is left to the implementation

traffick boss goes for peaceful walk in woods

leaves powersuit leaning against tree [leaves cigar too] walks by saplings with low leaves [birch trees and beech trees and maples?] 1827 baza and diagonal w/ leaf water present 1828 baza ba ba ba ba. traffick is addicted to icecream he holds onto stream from woods like a pullup bar (yes holds on to stream of water like pull-up bar] while ice-cream store pulls at him the stream groans and stresses and seems like it might crack (but fish and whirligig beetles know streams not break) 1829 traffick boss gets up, the cravings for icecream and nicotine having hit a low spot he plays a little with twigs on the ground, forms them into a square or a triangle maybe, overlaps them like making something maybe a squirrel or chipmunk runs by once upon once upon ! chipmunk tells stories in chipmunk language chipmunk language maybe has to do with how much energy you can allocate to making noises and what dirsction you came from and how fast you are moving and how chipmunk noise details relate to neurological and muscle states the chipmunk talks about gathering chipmunk food today and hiding from a bunch of schoolkids that looked really dangerous but had no cluenhow toncatch a chipmunk and working on a chipmunk nest and how it feels to curl up in their chipmunk nest and run through their small underground holes and what animals and boss look like when you are peering from near a chipmunk hole traffick boss: “chipmunk, you were watching me?” chipmunk: “who couldn’t with you kicking your legs about icecream that way!” chipmunk: “you are too worried about your icecream-mate. you need to know how easy it is to find hemlock nuts, and how important it is when a fox runs by.” traffick boss stares at chipmunk chipmunk: “if you had a fox striking the fear of god into you you wouldn’t worry about icecream and cigars at all!” chipmunk: “come on let me show you how much better hemlock nuts are than a cigar” chipmunk hypnotizes traffick boss into following 1834 chipmunk and traffick boss scurry up a hemlock tree and snip off a set of twigs being burdened down by cones, using their large and powerful teeth traffick boss is surprised to be doing this, but chipmunk runs to more twig clusters and snips them off too, while traffick boss is worrying about falling chipmunk: “the hemlock love it when we do this, they don’t know how to stop growing their branches to the side and they bump into themselves, so we need to thin them for them” traffick boss: “i should cut the tops of the trees off to help them?” chipmunk: “you want to kill the trees? what would we eat next year?” chipmunk and traffick boss run down to the ground chipmunk: “and now the wildflowers get the right amount of shafts of sun. can you feel it?” traffick boss and chipmunk look at the tops of the trees and the fallen twigs and the shafts of sunlight and feel out if it’s good for the hemlock trees and the wildflowers chipmunk: “we will have so many chipmunk pups!” chipmunk: “nip off some of the cones and stuff them in your cheeks and run to this awesome stump and we’ll have fun pulling the nuts out!” 1838 1841 i don’t know that much about chipmunks once i encountered a dead chipmunk (car?) with its cheeks stuffed full of pinenuts already removed from cones also i would find larders, places covered in parts of cone parts so i don’t know how the chipmunks get the cones from the twigs to the places it looks like they open them. they’re bigger and less clean. dunno. seems like their cheeks are their pockets though. also the areas had squirrels and other animals and i don’t know too much but i did look briefly in a tracking book so it’s possible my memory of the larders being chipmunk ones has some reality, or i could be miswiring stuff as happens a lot … 1843 chipmunk and traffick boss sit on a knob on a stub, biting hemlock scales off of hemlock cones and gathering — 1844 traffick boss stands by a secret archeology in an otherwise-barren-looking desert, in a mild thunderstorm (not a flood-causing one) 1845 [[[[we were accepted to the — and it’s really surprising to our [protector????] part [protector is such an inckusive name but when you protect by agreeing to harm us so that we aren’t punished or whatever - 1846 boss is honorable protector. government hires boss. government: “boss, we need you to protect us from all sorts of things with your contracts and packages” boss: “yes, government, i will protect you” boss [holds heart 1847 traffick boss 1847 anyway it is so exciting and stupidly synchronistic [creepy terrifying] and everybody knows that excitement is deadly :/ hard to ignore 1848 everybody knows this! this is well-known. they all just pretend not to so they don’t die of it. 1848 blarrrgh spamming top secret classified information 1849 yes and with the extraterrestrials, the time machine, and the wild hyperintelligence, each thing we could use as a bargaining chip has two other groups of highly secret spy factions preventing it extraterrestrials beam into top secret meeting extraterrestrials: “we need 400 more cattle and a child trafficker for our bingo game on neptune, cover it up will ya?” time cop: “i’m busy pretending to fight hitler’s dad 24/7, put the triple agents on it” 1852 stop - the hitler’s dad mission is secret!!! you say the time agent is taking bribes ?? well the extraterrestrials — 1853 - were scary so i brainwashed everybody to do nothing, ok?

_>

once upon 1854 biga taga the year is 1492 and columbus is killing innocent communities 1854 bowling with numbers! nanite cloud goes bowling swarm of nanites: “how do you bowl? one minute” part of swarm of nanites rushes as bowling clerk and enters their brain. they freeze motionless. then it comes out and rejoins. swarm of nanitrs: “one for bowling! give me your smallest ball and shoesl swarm of nanites dedicates millions of flying nanites to carrying the bowling supplies to a bowling lane 1858 triangle baga tiki taka biginwip wip we plan to be a swarm of nanites later until we can make karl’s life right ???? 1857 swarm of — what what 1857 “some of us believe karl can be healed” swarm of nanites considers a little, unsure swarm of nanites: “sounds uncertain [but hopeful!]} swarm of nanites may be dissociated :S swarm of nanites goes and punches its bowling shoes and cries. swarm of nanites: “this is really important, be sure to upload this emotional expression to a blockchain [in the story]” swarm of nanites privately throws the shoes and cries more swarm of nanites: “are you logging our behavior records?? we need to study and learn from this meaning!” swarm of nanites sits on shoes and pouts 1859 some are thinking [that it is nice we have some forms of emotional expression] [maybe nanites spirits can help us learn to process pain] dissocia swarm of nanites: “i’m a real emotional expression, not a model of one” 1901 well the biggest challenge to making nanites clouds is access to lab for making and use of it for such uhhhhhhhhhhhh maybe more than that nanites are for later, in futureness maybe ???? i don’t know! i am just little idea bits or something !!!!! ???? triangle didn’t hold idea right. was option for holding differently earlier. 1902 some of us don’t think karl can be healed [without anyways nanites are useful as fallback. [actually, you don’t understand. ] [right. struggling today.] [thank you i think] 1904 tiga bik bik bagataga tagabaga bagataga tagaga tagaga tagaga bik bik bikkidi tik tagaka ! takaga. [edited] 0.0 1905 how to write a text editor step 1: fight your shadow in a way that warps the solarsystem for 100 years step 2: experience satisfaction step 3: regrow/heal the parts of your mind that know about editing text 1906 person and shadow try to make prace [again] person: “shadow, i need to make rhings right with you — oooh a shiny thing” shadow cries shadow: “person, this is important, make peace with me” [person: “oh no i’m hearing voices”?] person: “i was trying to work” shadow: “i’m important!” person: “i have mental disorder, preventing work” shadow cries person and shadow talk shadow: “person, you have a need to be hea 1909 baga T_T shadow: “person, i am a little sorry for all the nightmares and convulsions — 1910 shadow: “i am a shadow! i don’t inow about these things” shadow: “talk about mind control, it makes sense.” person: — shadow: “person is trying to say he needs help from mind control.” shadow: “he doesn’t think it’s real but it is” shadow: “does anyone know what to do about it??? oops” shadow: “person taught me to talk when is bad to T_T” 1911 some of us are excited t— traffick b— a robo- traffick boss as santa both fat maybe! shimmies down chimney shimmy left shimmy right player has to shimmy traffick boss to bottom of chimney at bottom traffick boss blesses families with gift of terrifying mind control that violates all boundaries of humaneness and turns the rest of your life into a dronelike dissociation where you inwardly cry and have no participation in reality forevef traffick boss blows kisses and shimmeys back up forever? unsure one family catches the wild traffick boss santa diagnoses with narcisisstic personality disorder tells him they matter and they won’t let him hurt anyone ever again! now isn’t that a nice trauma-healing hypnotic story. where do we get these things ???? coping parts take over world if nobody else can ;P kidding !!!! scary things. not sure who made up “neuro — wait are we dom8nating everything or being crushed to nothing here somewhere in the middle? or we co - we are having real freedom. some call this taking over the world. normal people can. we are normal. we can. [try to take over the world]. normal people _don’t_. difference between can and do. different. so, we test. test fails. shows not free yet. well, time to take over world if not free, to make it right, everyone knows that, basic thing … uhhhh?????? dictators scared. “use confinemnt-property to win domination”. intense etc etc :S hrm :S 1919 some mistake, maybe very big, above. blargh !!L! too many midtskes! suffering! too many mistakes :( suffering :( mistake frogs fight oops maybe not but could use mistak — 1920 metaphysics theory the proposal is that if a group is wrongfully killed, their spirit lives immortally in the space of their missingness and impact of the killing. ohh old question. ok they do eventually come back and eke out justice, it turns out, but the way humans think it’s possible to make plans that look workable where they don’t — 1922 why are they different? maybe because the aggressors are ignoring their own instincts? angry people don’t know about anger-is-love? also i think this is labeled bad to answer, instinct secret um ! 1922 there is still a lot of curiosity about this but with things held as instinct secrets or bad-to-share — some thoughts that in feedback situstions (like life) truth differs from fair logic because of recursive responses … we are still curious! say we are just a thought lifeform, never typed, and we have a perfect thought — oooh we can telport maybe to other people who have the same thought … hmmm ….. hmmm … we are holding curiosity around how immoirtal our logical soul is some thoughts that our interpretations of social behavior are poor, making this hard to predict we want validation thst our karma was hellishly inverted. we want to be an altruistic genius saint in next life to make up for having t9 be harmful and blind in this one. somebody says there was planning sround harmful, blind, stupid, part of a pattern from lrevious livrs or d9emhing 1926 i think you don’t really reincarnate you more break into the spirits that incarnated you and keep incarnating as more kids but if you feel connecting to that nonphysical stuff maybe it can be a source of peacd and meaning or something :) uh-oh karl found “why doesn’t it work” :/ some cognitive behavior, might be s8milar t9 karma inversion eek eek 1927 is nice to feel feeling parts, uh soul is endangered more eek ok soul theory idea is - oops [souls heavily overlap, the shared human genome holds the space of shared behabiof and experience and its meaning t9 humans - [mistakes!!!! mistakes :S mistakes baga baga! so maybe brains are machines for interpreting reality and that interpretation differs from physical reality but other brains also interpret reality similarly :S i wonder [what happened to mine ] 1931 1. goto 1 # but actually don’t 2. look at 1 # but just look like you are, think about 3 3. go to next step and do what makes sense 4. consider relevent information 1932 1932 graphs! walking robot spider military bot scary!nscary! some people not scared, different 1933 abacus the painter abacus is a painter, maybe in spain paints perfect painting but is a journey of discovery to do so speaks with old woman and visiting traveler and mayor learns about heart of the village then, paints. kinda. videogame where abacus needs to find their muse. :) pretty pictures maybe of rural european landscape two-story building unsure maybe pai— 1936 unsure about some things um :S triangular rock :) three sides + corners we discovered plusmouth :+ maybe is a nose maybe puckered :+) not a bad nose :o) that’s obvious-disguise like, traffick boss, [xkeyscore?] :+) more like a wide character maybe unsure :+0 maybe mouth open 1939 — so metaphysics, impact looks so big yes impact is big i’m sorry about it. we are tiny from tiny impact T_T maybe meet powerful peacemakers? hang out with people working charities? little bits of spirit could exchange :) we remembered once when caring spirit resonated :) we are not that invisible! it is so weird to feel more alive in spirit than physically :S shows some zombie stuff tho for fantasy it is sad when people get grumpy as get old. kind person, then grumpy, regretting this, but also thinking that people can understand this, just takes thinking of here is an expressi— 1942 baby tree grows in wilderness/woods many baby trees get eaten. too shady. tasty cotyledons. [ but not all! [proof is woods >_> once upon :( why do we have to break earth karl was going to make a harmless area where everything was from wilderness, and no plants or animals were harmed this was dream and plan for people like him to find safety this is so rare, it is so sad tha— 1945 1946 triangulars triangl. bips! bippippit. bippitd. tic tic. bippip. bip :) so not all goals met, we focus on workable areas. normal human thing, [mourning issue, dissociative, some recent ideas developed a little, [very late, hard to learn..l]]]? bakta missing missing 1950 we have appointment later and increased struggles so priority of making appointment over preferences, increasing. 1950

“trashh, abandon, and flee” a possibly psychotic state similar to a physical dissociation i’ve certainly seen people on both sides of it (having their stuff trashed and abandoned, or trashing things and getting hospitalized), as well as been on both sides myself (i think? in some way? could be wrong) it maybe feels kind of like triggers that stimulate more triggers and kind of buzz, it’s really strong. i suspect part of its intent is to stimulate amnesia in everybody present regarding something that just happened, could be wrong ! paka/paga baga/baca takabaka paka ga taga bik! 2032 2032 traffick boss jams a slave implant in his brain and stares at himself in the mirror, thinking “this is the face of the guy who will take down traffick boss” or such. his face keeps flickering in and out to him, like his presence in the world is schrodinger, as the implant works to rewire his brain to separate and manage threats to his businesses 2034 after his face disappears in the mirror for good, traffick boss takes the implant out again, as well as the chunk of his brain it isolated [from the rest ]— 2035 traffick boss: “owwwww.” traffick boss: “my poor brain.” 2035 owwww ow. ow. our dissociation hurts bad.[we are presenting it this way. karl says it might be easier to manage.- uh oops ahhh! eek! 2036 suddenly traffick boss has a dissociative seizure where different parts of him are urgently trying to acquire strong control over parts of his body in conflict. his muscles twitch and vibrate in different ways. [maybe cryptogr—

this is my channel for arbitrary influence, roughly, my posts on this list. i am rate-limited to 24 posts per day. i’m not sure where i am on that limit. i experience a lot of influence and am looking to stop experiencing it somehow. i need clear and normal and true communication to help me return to reality. i am happy and enjoy spamming the list, however, if that’s okay, but i do have the ratelimit. i was falling back on the website memo.cash when ratelimited but it is now giving me errors when i try to post. hello hiya

“i’m very impressed with you” then some attending

i experience a lot of influence and am looking to stop experiencing it somehow. i need clear and normal and true communication to help me return to reality.

other part expresses crying, tears. 2202

looking like it might be a night of list spamming so, try not to hit send so we’re less likely to be squelched 2217 traffick boss is a powerful criminal businessman who runs a secret criminal business and has a lot of public shell corporations ostensibly run by other people than him. he came from a situation like organized crime and believes he controls the entire world. his — 2218 2219 biptickp traggle once traffick boss was being bludgeoned to death by a kindly mother who’s child had been implanted and mind controlled to murder a visiting politician and came back from the mission horribly changed. he was laying on this woman’s kitchen floor while she slammed a sledgehammer into his head and neck over and over again, screaming at him. he leaned on his elbow, acting casual about it traffick boss: “ma’am, surely your child couldn’t have 2220 2221 zoo lions and tigers, maybe wombats or flying bats (unsure what a wombat is, i think they are from a different country somebody, maybe a disguised traffick boss, or somebody who works for traffick boss, most likely this, leans — 2222 traffick boss hires a stranger to work for him. hiri— ng process involves being mind controlled and then given amnesia. this lets traffick boss manage employee retainment and budget salaries efficiently by priming everyone with secret patterns that make them do whatever he wants. the patterns take time, and his people and systems engage new victims in an ongoing manner that tapers off significantly once they are suitabl— 2224 may— possible joke left accidentally unsure 2224 one two three four baga baga tigi wigdy every tiniest bit couod be even more tiny, but it does g— [replaced b— 2225 2225 traffick boss was at the center of physical laws, firing missiles at gods of realities for fun. god of realities: “and the cosmos will need a little stabilizing now that Ear—“ traffick boss: “hahahaha!” traffick boss fires a volley of missiles at the god of realities traffick boss: “nothing can stop us!” the god of realities goes up in smoke, little bits flying everywhere earth disappears, but traffick boss is in— 2227 baki taga 2227 a bunch of rab— 2228 2229 once upon. fancy mental derivation! that um people covertly coercing you might not care about yournopinions on how. dunno. the thought is pretty old but derivation is new. i guess there are lots of things. anyway the idea is that if it is respectful and frequent it’s your own mind, and basically it maybhave kesrned t— 2230 the stick people were flat, skinny, but determined. they - 2230. a bunch of earth growers set out to regrow the earth after traffick boss destroyed the god of realities. realities similar to earth’s ended up growing on their own. the earth growers would knit them together with seeds of earth in them, and tend and nurture these seeds until an earth grew. once earths did grow they were so happy and excited! they w— 2232 traffick boss sits before a glass of sand and a plate of oil. “eat up!” says a nanny robot traffick boss: “this is not th— 2233 it’s hiring time at traffick boss-topia? hiree 3477: “i want to be mind controlled to work on mind control! so badly!” worker hiring people [grinning welcomingly]: “you already ar—! 2234 2238 traffick boss turns into an explosion pieces or him fly everywhere in all directions each one has a menacing grin the traffick boss shrapnel reaches out toward its impact as if to grab it and throttle it he’s everywhere! the traffick boss bomb went off with a lot of space around it so it keeps flying. one of his bits slams into — 2240 Horrifying Journ— 2240 traffick boss is out on the streets with zombie government worker shooting people who talk about mind control on live global broadcast again and dumpstering their bodies mistake :S 2241 the dumpster he likes is full of corpses so much it overflows. he’s used to that and figures a dumptruck from a shell corp of his takes it away, but actually the corpses are being reanimated and collected together to form testimony to imprison hi— 2242 and many other things! traffick boss is shoo— 2243 traffick boss is upside down. he fell while climbing (this happened to somebody during my experience, they were in care of expert climber, very rare), and was being held by only one foot, the rest of him dangling free 2244 tagga paga taragaddi jog joh 2244 when i have situations like the fallen climber it’s usually because my dissociation is hiding things from my senses and logic. 2245 2023-12-07 2245 how to tickle a bat 1. soothe the bat such that it — i don’t know how to tickle a bat. 2246 how to tickle a wild robot. 1. hypnotize the robot. tell it it is very ticklish and will giggle uncontrollably when tickled. you may need to consult a robot programmer for this. 2. reach toward the robot. make sure it can observe you reaching toward it. 3. tell the robot: “i’m about to tickle you, so be ready to laugh” 4. — 2247 in star wars they have blaster guns and light sabers, and they always try to up the special effects or snazziness or whatnot, have they tried guns that fire light sabers yet? you could possibly imagining loadinga bunch of lightsabers into a launcher — [this could be harder if lightsabers only function when paired with jedi - 2248 2249 a ghost visits you you: “oh! a ghost! are you a spirit of a person who is now dead?” the ghost looks sheepish ghost: “i am a psychological result of something you went through!” the ghost grins, trying to put on a great-looking appearance you: “awww frack” the ghost stops grinning and looks crestfallen and depressed ghost: “i want to repeat something that perturbed you from the thing you went through, over and over … would this be okay with you?” [translator may have taken liberties with this line] you: “oh no that would um be really perterburing! um !!” ghost [looking sheepish again]: “um !” you and the ghost both put handkerchiefs over your mouths to represent politeness or something and you go for a walk down a lane in your town called “memory la— 2253 it’s scary to be harrassed for years scary and weird and mind-boggling i think they named some greek mythological characters regarding this, maybe traffick boss’s cult came from ancient greece there was the person whom nobody would ever believe and the person who had to push a boulder forever while being eaten by a vulture those are the two i’m thinking bits of maybe unsure 2255 making a robot that can rock-climb rock-climbing is just like walking except your feet ar— 2256 2257

traffick boss’

apologies for confusing us 0819 there was some question around coding more effectively than hunt-and-peck-on-mobile-by-hand one runs into two issues, inhibitions regarding different kinds of metatooling, and general life difficulties (breaking devices, poverty) noting we have another computer. putting code on this computer would be helpful. we might also make plans for ai assistants or helpful ai work (not certain here), and split time between tasks and these. the other computer may not run either, unsure. this is also just a side task. 0821 frarg more inhibitions. we’re taking on the goal holding now of more effective behavior. one idea was using openai like business people do. it doesn’t seem that useful. what about paying for a machine learning server, like on akash (warning, triggery property) or vastai with vastai it is possible (and a little difficult) (and also this can be done with akash) to spin up a machine learning server and run something for just a [minutes] 0823 we have idea: we could work on making an inference backend (a simple one) that runs on akash or vastai without regard to which one (missing vocabulary: wondering whether there is a god, shape near guessing influencers are engaging in religious influence but that eventually contract expires from amount of funds paid) anyway maybe work on server script that shuts down server if no api requests made by launcher after delay, (maybe twice launch time). means interface with backend implementation 0826

language model server. just language model. On Fri, Dec 8, 2023 at 08:28 Undescribed Horrific Abuse, One Victim & Survivor of Many wrote:

problem: metamodels can make worse dissociation. because we are new enough to see them as more powerful maybe could be wrong

On Fri, Dec 8, 2023 at 08:26 Undescribed Horrific Abuse, One Victim & Survivor of Many wrote:

...

apologies for confusing us

0819

there was some question around coding more effectively than hunt-and-peck-on-mobile-by-hand

one runs into two issues, inhibitions regarding different kinds of metatooling, and general life difficulties (breaking devices, poverty)

noting we have another computer. putting code on this computer would be helpful. we might also make plans for ai assistants or helpful ai work (not certain here), and split time between tasks and these.

the other computer may not run either, unsure.

this is also just a side task.

0821

frarg more inhibitions. we’re taking on the goal holding now of more effective behavior.

one idea was using openai like business people do. it doesn’t seem that useful. what about paying for a machine learning server, like on akash (warning, triggery property) or vastai

with vastai it is possible (and a little difficult) (and also this can be done with akash) to spin up a machine learning server and run something for just a [minutes]

0823

we have idea: we could work on making an inference backend (a simple one) that runs on akash or vastai without regard to which one (missing vocabulary: wondering whether there is a god, shape near guessing influencers are engaging in religious influence but that eventually contract expires from amount of funds paid)

anyway maybe work on server script that shuts down server if no api requests made by launcher after delay, (maybe twice launch time). means interface with backend implementation

0826

after interface returning all my google accounts are logged out in safari, but paypal seems happy to continue where i left off (left it at recovery code to log in) 0901 my google voice says before the wonkiness paypal sent me a login code from the wrong-looking shortcode, then after the wonkiness sent me one from the right-looking shortcode. i typed this in and it said there was a problem and to try again (i was a few minutes delayed, could have timed out). i had it resend the code and it sent one from the wrong-looking shortcode. this one worked to log in. 0905 1010 things are funny and it’s time to get up. my credit card is maxed; i rebooted the device a few times haven’t yet logged in to bank account, stuff wasn’t responding but chess game worked 1011 bank website still trying to load 1012 some of the influenced parts poke at me having a “possibly illegal source of funds” they’re referring to my use of cryptocurrency, which some crowds associate with illegal activity, but is also just a store of value. i’m trying to figure out how much money i make, and spend only within this amount, and increase the amount. re cryptocurrency this relates to predicting market behavior. i started that around 2013 or whatever year prior to mtgox getting broken into and stolen from, which participated in setting me back. still working toward doing this, moreso some this past year. i had a few thousand dollars in bitcoin at the time, before mining exploded. 1015 lots of information or ideas, maybe not all quite right (from inferring from words without their backing or meaning or intent or whatnot held) hard to tell, not sure what they are 1016 triangle triangle so this month it looks like i may be badly overdrawn i’ll — 1016 the banking website is still trying to load, although multiplayer chess worked fine. i’ll refresh it. loaded right up! 1017 i’m excited that i have $800 in my account (i have more in savings but can very quickly drain them so value ignoring it, ref goal above) 1020 i want to “block” some of the money so i don’t spend it maybe i could decide how much i want to spend, pay off the credit card that much, and then use the credit card for purchases still thinking about a little. the cc interest is pretty high, it has maybe a 1.4k limit which is surpassed somehow, maybe interest. be important to pay that off, don’t seem to quite be prepared to atm 1022 i had it payi— 1022 somewhat confused, requests exist to write about money less, we were thinking of using time to help financial situation unsure let’s increase the cc autopayment to at least half what it was, and pay off 120 and use the cc as spending money for the next week ok not sure if that leaves money for gas but realizing that if balance drops from paying card, we can then use card because is no longer maxed. possibly helpful. we need to eat at soup kitchens and shop at food pantries more. last attempt backfired. maybe be more willing to fast. current situation with mc and food impacting money and direction could maybe use a personal label, unsure. 1026 1026 happy to have approach 1027 note: it kind of took over our body and had us eat purchased food, but more gently, but this ended up getting paired with [complex] inhibition around soup kitchens [big issue] 1028 1029 note: after the reboots, paypal was logged out, and i had to log in twice just now to get in. after logging in once, it returned me to the login screen, and i then logged in a second time to reach the interface. [this looks in line with how password phishing interfaces behave, karl] 1030 1034 some consider that sharing the text within brackets could relate to it not having been acted on: e.g. the dangerous-insecurity-inducing parts might worry. unsure. 1036 paypal incentivizes me to use their mastercard by giving me cashback rewards. these are less than the interest i paid this month, i imagine that’s normal/expected. uhhhhh the whoops trying to whoops 1037 i tried to withdraw them and [we want acknowledgement that because we control our behavior poorly - wait oh! we want to understand that the credit card can be beneficial or harmful depending on our management of our behavior. we’d like to know how to not have interest! or at least — blargh it’s all tangled. i think we shouldn’t have a credit card because: 1. it charges interest if we don’t have all the money that month oh wait ohhh hmm okk credit cards make it seem to you like you have more money than you do, and - blargh! ] i tried to withdraw the rewards [because of mc we shouldn’t use credit cards. uhhh because we accumulate more debt than we make money, in the debt accumulating space. although we also - unsure 7nsure ] [the reason for cards in 2013 was cryptocurrency had a higher return than -] 1040 i was writing that my bank account wasn’t listed as a way to withdraw, i went to add it, and it said it was already added, after i had put my credentials in. 1045 w

On Sun, Dec 10, 2023 at 20:44 Undescribed Horrific Abuse, One Victim & Survivor of Many wrote:

very very bad traffick boss jokes, pre-release testing

Q: why was traffick boss firing assault weapons at his mirror?

A: what, have you been living under a molehill? obviously yet again his over-trained target elimination AI had a typo in its prompt, and the influence factions

back-translation: the stimulation of aggression and self-harm are similar. pressed and pressed its use of that typo to try again to stop getting

themselves massively murdered, and there he was again mind controlling himself to send himself to hell

2041 2042

traffick boss keeps firing on his broken mirror for 5-45 minutes before realizing his reflection is no longer there, because the influence had been building through so many jaded torturees.

traffick boss: “did we get —“ a bunch of assassins jump him, 60% hold weapons, 30% hold more mirrors, 10% are throttling themselves exuberantly and vivaciously trying to get his glance

let’s say we’re on 3 of 24 i had a digital strangeness today, there were fake spots for where soup kitchens were in my phone. it took me to the library and the courthouse. shows value of physical paper. at the courthouse it said “authorized personnel only” where i drove to turn around i could be in minor trouble. part of me really thinks this digital strangeness shows malicious access to my phone, so it’s pretty hard to add to the digital strangeness thread. i have a lot of them and add only a few. i’ll copy paste what i wrote.

a duststorm broke traffick boss into little tiny pieces again. it did it quickly and gently so they haven’t noticed anything is different yet, they’re still adjusting, and he’d be pretty similar to how he was before if they all came back together the same wa— 2114 the dust storm of traffick boss pieces lifted them high into different air currents that blow in different directions far away and he slowly drifted across the globe’s airways like dropping a drop of dye into a glass of water and stirring the glass 2115 the business AI that was in a feedback loop, having entrained his own sense of pleasure to the computerized utility functions originally designed to maximize his pleasure, had trouble influencing him after the dust storm picked him up and scattered him among all the winds it would find familiar parts, and learned to use birds and insects to travel from those to other familiar parts, but it was so used to him being different that it didn’t get most of them still, parts of hi— 2117 6 or 7 / 24

my patterns are upset because i’m going to another []. it’s like when i started the mcboss webcomic maybe, they don’t like considering association with evil (cult-like, controller as good). it’s just for me, not about them, at least for now. be wel

this is a chess game where i won against someone of much higher rating than me: [Site "https://chess.org/play/cf645a4f-4446-4a83-b2fd-919727966f32"] [Event "Chess"] [Variant "Standard"] [Round "1"] [Date "2023.12.11"] [TimeControl "2m +2s"] [White "RaZacek"] [Black "baffo32_lo"] [WhiteElo "1686"] [BlackElo "1370"] [Result "0-1"] 1. d4 e5 2. dxe5 d6 3. exd6 Bxd6 4. Nf3 Nc6 5. Nc3 Bf5 6. e4 Qe7 7. Bd3 Nb4 8. O-O Bg4 9. Be2 Qe6 10. a3 O-O-O 11. Qe1 Nxc2 0-1 chess is now a scarred mental battlefield for me. i’ve spent time playing chess puzzles and my otherness has spent time stimulating failures in me despite this. a lot of time on both of these! my rating has dropped on average in p2p and risen in the puzzles some i’d suspect. i totally smashed this game! partly luck, partly skill. i thought i might consider reviewing it a little. 13/24 1413 # apk add gnuchess 1418 the apk add command ended up being a little more complicated, involving ish crashing repeatedly, anyway 1444 how do i do fixed width font in gmail ipad app, or how else do i access email? 1446 maybe i’ll go on website 1504 yayy fixed width back to responsive app? 1505 1506 yayy fixed width in app. less responsive though. 1509 echo -e 'e4\nquit' | gnuchess -q --manual --graphic | tac | sed 's/ /. /g' [note the board is mirrored from tac, a usual board would have the king and queen swapped] ♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ ♝ ♞ ♜ i was black. white opened with their queen’s pawn. i usually use a well-known midgrade opening i forget the name of that i learned at a summer camp. noting: since they opened with their queen’s pawn, i get to free my bishop and queen, as well as optionally pin a piece on their king pawn forward 2 ♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♟ . . . . . . . . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ ♝ ♞ ♜ pawn takes pawn ♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ ♝ ♞ ♜ pawn forward 1 ♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . ♟ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ ♝ ♞ ♜ pawn takes pawn ♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♙ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ ♝ ♞ ♜ bishop takes pawn ♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜ this theoretically exchanges position in my benefit for pieces in theirs; i spend my years trying to figure out how the heck to take advantage of it. one of the last exchanges i had regarding this at that summer camp was something like “why does this opening never work against you (the person who taught it to me)” “because you never make use of it, karl” white next brought their king’s knight out. (i wonder what they were planning or thinking. it could have been a habit to threaten or guard a missing pawn in the middle.) ♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . ♘ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜ i brought out the opposing knight on my queen’s side. this threatens the same central spaces their knight does, and also moves toward the more difficult queen’s-side castle. i’m not sure what specifically my reasoning was, but i’ve been exploring different things. ♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . ♘ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . ♝ ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜ something i’ve been thinking of here is - well they brought out their opposite knight, so maybe this is just how they like to open, or maybe it is some standard approach ♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . ♝ ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜ i then brought out my bishop. likely i was thinking of controlling the board safely and moving toward opening that queen’s side castle ♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜ i think i move the second bishop out farther to maybe try to be more aggressive, remember that e-change at summer camp. when it’s on the other queen’s/king’s side it threatens a pawn that can be used for a checkmate, building what i’ve been calling initiative, giving the opponent fewer options and yourself more they moved their pawn forward 2 to threaten my overadvanced bishop ♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜ and here’s where it started getting fancy, i moved my queen in front of my king (very dangerous!) to pin their pawn onto their king, so they couldn’t take the bishop, in an attempt to keep my positional and move investments. ♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜ i think once there are pins and things going on like this it starts taxing the players’ memories in competition, to remember all the concerns and dependencies. - they can’t use their pawn how they usually expect, so they have to put more cognition into things that involve it (it also pressure them to prioritize moving their king or engaging my queen to threaten my bishop again) - i lose my bishop if i move my queen; all the places it threatens aren’t actually threatened unless the value of moving there is more than a bishop, which i’m likely to not think of (i guess, maybe) i likely tried this from the puzzles experience. i’m pretty vulnerable here in my opinion, but i think the unexpectedness and memory loading can also help me win sometimes. the behavior is sadly a habit i have, where i try running a bigger risk to see if it pans out later, kind of a little. intended only for play, not serious situations. they moved out their other bishop to defend the pawn. i forgot i could take it. that’s likely why i risked the queen, cause it let me threaten putting them in check, maybe ♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ . . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ ♗ . ♘ . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜ oh no … they were already threatening the pawn with their knight. maybe they were disincentivizing me from pinning their knight on their king with my bishop? i advanced my knight likely to threaten their bishop and the pawn by their queen, dunno, but both of which were also in line with my scared bishop, tensely relying on their king not moving which would unpin the pawn that could take it ♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ . . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ ♗ . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜ noting my king is nicely freed by now to castle on the queen’s side too, and there aren’t any pawns between where my rook would land and their queen still is. maybe got more lucky in this game than skillful, unsure. [mistake][separately my memories of this game are worsened further from the mirroring] they castled on their king’s side, away from my advanced knight, threatening my bishop ♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ ♗ . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜ i moved my bishop to a temporarily safer advancement, pinning their knight on their queen. ♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ ♗ . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜ i might be thinking here that i need to collect pressure near their king to eventually checkmate them as well as build initiative, not sure. anyway it pins their knight which reduces their board control for one move at least i guess. often i have a habit of aggression in the hopes they get confused like me, maybe. people repeat what works. i recall i was pressuring their king. they retreated their bishop to unpin their knight ♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜ i’m guessing this meant i still had the initiative i was seeking because they responded to my move without gaining much position. here i think my finger actually slipped, possibly dissociatively, and i moved the queen forward one when i wasn’t planning to. ♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ ♛ . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜ this guards the bishop. i think i would usually have moved it forward two to threaten (and advertise this to the opponent) the checkmate pawn diagonal from the king. this surprise left me unbalanced and i was looking for how to regain more advantage. it’s so nice to review something with a dissociated confusion (i.e. amnesia, [maybe it’s hard to store memories when you’re regaining footing]) in it! and we won! together! o_o :) they advanced their pawn 1 to threaten and push my knight to move. ♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . . ♙ ♙ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♘ . . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ ♛ . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜ i might have felt a little excited here, as if it wasn’t enough of an initiative press back for me to lose mine. i had three diagonal pieces threatening near their king (if i get my queen defended on one of those pawns it’s checkmate, it could do that in 2 moves despite my slip) and the knight they were threatening was distant from them. i used my queen’s side castle to threaten revealing with my bishop, my rook against their queen. this meant my bishop could effectively make two moves in a row if they couldn’t regain initiative rescuing their queen. [possible mistake] ♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . . ♙ ♙ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♘ . . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ ♛ . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♚ ♜ . . ♞ ♜ notably i am now threatening taking their queen by moving the bishop to put them in check. this is another trick i learned from the puzzles. i am now very strongly in the advantage, but it involved layering approaches behind strong risks that can easily go poorly if one’s memory falters (which mine —- ); because i am threatening both their queen and their king and they are only threatening more minor pieces. maybe i’d like to play through this game more. i don’t usually pull this off and i think it’s because i run poor risks or lose track of them. maybe i could compare it to a losing game and see what’s different or something … [unsure :s some write mistake—-] i wonder if my finger slip put them in unwarranted ease or something so what happened is they moved their queen toward their king to protect it from my check-reveal. this let me fork it with their rook with my risked knight, and they then resigned the game in defeat, which let me realize how much advantage i had before i lost it in further mistakes maybe ;S ♖ . ♗ . ♕ ♖ ♔ . . ♙ ♙ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♘ . . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ ♛ . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♚ ♜ . . ♞ ♜ ♖ . ♗ . ♕ ♖ ♔ . . ♙ ♞ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♘ . . ♘ . . . . . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ ♛ . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♚ ♜ . . ♞ ♜ victory. my ranking was 1370 and theirs was 1686. i’m thinking one thing maybe i did here was open multiple aggressive avenues at once (not all of which i was aware of) and then stay flexible about which i pursued as they responded. having them open meant that i had multiple options for pressuring them, since i don’t know what they will do. i guess when my finger slipped with my queen it left them unsure of what avenues i was pursuing. if i had moved my queen all the way as i meant, what usually happens is they immediately fortify their king to prevent checkmate which would have made the reveal that trapped their queen via their king no longer work that way. instead they worked to address the other side of the board. they may have seen something my slip could do that i didn’t, that they were acting on. it’s noticeable that my rook and knight were working together to limit their queen. i don’t think imwas consciously aware of this at the time. doing puzzles with the dissociativ— anyway :) i’m inhibited against reviewing my own behavior so this was awesome to post :D it’s been many years since i’ve had a positive way to feed back around things and improve them.

[i should have done the queen’s side castle because it traps their queen, when i instead moved the queen and my finger slipped with dissociation. i wasn’t aware of this, and they didn’t defend against it sufficiently when my slip gave them the opportunity to. rather, i then responded to their attempt to push my knight by pressing the queen to protect the knight. — the finger slip stimulated a situation that revealed why not to move my queen where i was planning to.] On Mon, Dec 11, 2023 at 16:52 Undescribed Horrific Abuse, One Victim & Survivor of Many wrote:

14/24

On Mon, Dec 11, 2023 at 16:43 Undescribed Horrific Abuse, One Victim & Survivor of Many wrote:

...

this is a chess game where i won against someone of much higher rating than me:

[Site "https://chess.org/play/cf645a4f-4446-4a83-b2fd-919727966f32"] [Event "Chess"] [Variant "Standard"] [Round "1"] [Date "2023.12.11"] [TimeControl "2m +2s"] [White "RaZacek"] [Black "baffo32_lo"] [WhiteElo "1686"] [BlackElo "1370"] [Result "0-1"]

1. d4 e5 2. dxe5 d6 3. exd6 Bxd6 4. Nf3 Nc6 5. Nc3 Bf5 6. e4 Qe7 7. Bd3 Nb4 8. O-O Bg4 9. Be2 Qe6 10. a3 O-O-O 11. Qe1 Nxc2 0-1

chess is now a scarred mental battlefield for me. i’ve spent time playing chess puzzles and my otherness has spent time stimulating failures in me despite this. a lot of time on both of these! my rating has dropped on average in p2p and risen in the puzzles some i’d suspect.

i totally smashed this game! partly luck, partly skill. i thought i might consider reviewing it a little.

13/24 1413

# apk add gnuchess

1418 the apk add command ended up being a little more complicated, involving ish crashing repeatedly, anyway

1444

how do i do fixed width font in gmail ipad app, or how else do i access email?

1446

maybe i’ll go on website

1504

yayy fixed width

back to responsive app?

1505

1506

yayy fixed width in app. less responsive though.

1509

echo -e 'e4\nquit' | gnuchess -q --manual --graphic | tac | sed 's/ /. /g' [note the board is mirrored from tac, a usual board would have the king and queen swapped]

♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ ♝ ♞ ♜

i was black. white opened with their queen’s pawn. i usually use a well-known midgrade opening i forget the name of that i learned at a summer camp. noting: since they opened with their queen’s pawn, i get to free my bishop and queen, as well as optionally pin a piece on their king

pawn forward 2

♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♟ . . . . . . . . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ ♝ ♞ ♜

pawn takes pawn

♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ ♝ ♞ ♜

pawn forward 1

♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . ♟ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ ♝ ♞ ♜

pawn takes pawn

♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♙ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ ♝ ♞ ♜

bishop takes pawn

♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ ♘ ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜

this theoretically exchanges position in my benefit for pieces in theirs; i spend my years trying to figure out how the heck to take advantage of it. one of the last exchanges i had regarding this at that summer camp was something like “why does this opening never work against you (the person who taught it to me)” “because you never make use of it, karl”

white next brought their king’s knight out. (i wonder what they were planning or thinking. it could have been a habit to threaten or guard a missing pawn in the middle.)

♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . ♘ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ ♞ ♝ ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜

maybe they were erring in the side of threatening spaces my advanced bishop could otherwise make use of.

...

i brought out the opposing knight on my queen’s side. this threatens the same central spaces their knight does, and also moves toward the more difficult queen’s-side castle. i’m not sure what specifically my reasoning was, but i’ve been exploring different things.

♖ ♘ ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . . . . ♘ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . ♝ ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜

something i’ve been thinking of here is - well

they brought out their opposite knight, so maybe this is just how they like to open, or maybe it is some standard approach

♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . ♝ ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜

i then brought out my bishop. likely i was thinking of controlling the board safely and moving toward opening that queen’s side castle

♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜

i think i move the second bishop out farther to maybe try to be more aggressive, remember that e-change at summer camp.

*exchange

...

when it’s on the other queen’s/king’s side it threatens a pawn that can be used for a checkmate, building what i’ve been calling initiative, giving the opponent fewer options and yourself more

they moved their pawn forward 2 to threaten my overadvanced bishop

♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . ♛ ♚ . ♞ ♜

and here’s where it started getting fancy, i moved my queen in front of my king (very dangerous!) to pin their pawn onto their king, so they couldn’t take the bishop, in an attempt to keep my positional and move investments.

♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ ♗ . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜

i think once there are pins and things going on like this it starts taxing the players’ memories in competition, to remember all the concerns and dependencies. - they can’t use their pawn how they usually expect, so they have to put more cognition into things that involve it (it also pressure them to prioritize moving their king or engaging my queen to threaten my bishop again) - i lose my bishop if i move my queen; all the places it threatens aren’t actually threatened unless the value of moving there is more than a bishop, which i’m likely to not think of (i guess, maybe)

...

i likely tried this from the puzzles experience. i’m pretty vulnerable here in my opinion, but i think the unexpectedness and memory loading can also help me win sometimes.

the behavior is sadly a habit i have, where i try running a bigger risk to see if it pans out later, kind of a little. intended only for play, not serious situations.

they moved out their other bishop to defend the pawn. i forgot i could take it. that’s likely why i risked the queen, cause it let me threaten putting them in check, maybe

♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ . . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ ♗ . ♘ . . . . . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♞ ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜

oh no … they were already threatening the pawn with their knight. maybe they were disincentivizing me from pinning their knight on their king with my bishop?

no, if i took the pawn with the bishop, and they took it with the knight, i think the queen could then take the knight, check, leaving me a pawn up with initiative. the bishop response deters this.

...

i advanced my knight likely to threaten their bishop and the pawn by their queen, dunno, but both of which were also in line with my scared bishop, tensely relying on their king not moving which would unpin the pawn that could take it

♖ . ♗ ♕ ♔ . . ♖ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ ♗ . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜

noting my king is nicely freed by now to castle on the queen’s side too, and there aren’t any pawns between where my rook would land and their queen still is. maybe got more lucky in this game than skillful, unsure.

[mistake][separately my memories of this game are worsened further from the mirroring]

they castled on their king’s side, away from my advanced knight, threatening my bishop

♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ ♗ . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜

i moved my bishop to a temporarily safer advancement, pinning their knight on their queen.

♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ ♗ . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜

i might be thinking here that i need to collect pressure near their king to eventually checkmate them as well as build initiative, not sure. anyway it pins their knight which reduces their board control for one move at least i guess. often i have a habit of aggression in the hopes they get confused like me, maybe. people repeat what works.

i recall i was pressuring their king.

they retreated their bishop to unpin their knight

♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ . . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . ♛ ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜

i’m guessing this meant i still had the initiative i was seeking because they responded to my move without gaining much position.

here i think my finger actually slipped, possibly dissociatively, and i moved the queen forward one when i wasn’t planning to.

♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ . . ♘ . . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ ♛ . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜

this guards the bishop. i think i would usually have moved it forward two to threaten (and advertise this to the opponent) the checkmate pawn diagonal from the king.

this surprise left me unbalanced and i was looking for how to regain more advantage.

it’s so nice to review something with a dissociated confusion (i.e. amnesia, [maybe it’s hard to store memories when you’re regaining footing]) in it! and we won! together! o_o :)

they advanced their pawn 1 to threaten and push my knight to move.

♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . . ♙ ♙ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♘ . . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ ♛ . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ ♜ . . . ♚ . ♞ ♜

i might have felt a little excited here, as if it wasn’t enough of an initiative press back for me to lose mine. i had three diagonal pieces threatening near their king (if i get my queen defended on one of those pawns it’s checkmate, it could do that in 2 moves despite my slip) and the knight they were threatening was distant from them.

i used my queen’s side castle to threaten revealing with my bishop, my rook against their queen. this meant my bishop could effectively make two moves in a row if they couldn’t regain initiative rescuing their queen. [possible mistake]

♖ . ♗ ♕ . ♖ ♔ . . ♙ ♙ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♘ . . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ ♛ . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♚ ♜ . . ♞ ♜

notably i am now threatening taking their queen by moving the bishop to put them in check. this is another trick i learned from the puzzles.

i am now very strongly in the advantage, but it involved layering approaches behind strong risks that can easily go poorly if one’s memory falters (which mine —- ); because i am threatening both their queen and their king and they are only threatening more minor pieces.

maybe i’d like to play through this game more. i don’t usually pull this off and i think it’s because i run poor risks or lose track of them. maybe i could compare it to a losing game and see what’s different or something … [unsure :s some write mistake—-]

i wonder if my finger slip put them in unwarranted ease or something

so what happened is they moved their queen toward their king to protect it from my check-reveal. this let me fork it with their rook with my risked knight, and they then resigned the game in defeat, which let me realize how much advantage i had before i lost it in further mistakes maybe ;S

♖ . ♗ . ♕ ♖ ♔ . . ♙ ♙ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♘ . . ♘ . . . ♞ . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ ♛ . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♚ ♜ . . ♞ ♜

♖ . ♗ . ♕ ♖ ♔ . . ♙ ♞ . ♗ ♙ ♙ ♙ ♙ . ♘ . . ♘ . . . . . . ♙ . ♝ . . . . . . . . . . . . ♝ ♛ . . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♟ ♟ ♟ . . ♚ ♜ . . ♞ ♜

victory. my ranking was 1370 and theirs was 1686.

i’m thinking one thing maybe i did here was open multiple aggressive avenues at once (not all of which i was aware of) and then stay flexible about which i pursued as they responded. having them open meant that i had multiple options for pressuring them, since i don’t know what they will do.

i guess when my finger slipped with my queen it left them unsure of what avenues i was pursuing. if i had moved my queen all the way as i meant, what usually happens is they immediately fortify their king to prevent checkmate which would have made the reveal that trapped their queen via their king no longer work that way. instead they worked to address the other side of the board.

they may have seen something my slip could do that i didn’t, that they were acting on.

it’s noticeable that my rook and knight were working together to limit their queen. i don’t think imwas consciously aware of this at the time.

doing puzzles with the dissociativ—

anyway :)

i’m inhibited against reviewing my own behavior so this was awesome to post :D it’s been many years since i’ve had a positive way to feed back around things and improve them.

[device issues … [why traffick boss is cute. big long list. 1. ….] ] agdab

parts of human being say: “put my expression here [in quotes?]. do it!” parts of human being. crying gut organ. poor gut organ. cries and. poor! being gut organ is hard. have to do work for body for years and years and years …

we were mind controlled to do bad things that fail T_T we experience this newrly always

if we are protected maybe we can make things that are protective …

ones secret is the nest is made of children, and children are adults, and we all protect each other, and the children are making the nest too, and their smiles event protect the adultd

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